Apparently, I never got the memo. Surely, my face must be plastered all over our local post office or perhaps I’m the featured attraction on the board of my county sheriff’s office. Odd thing is…..no one ever told me. The only hint that I have that this must be the case is when I’m out to do a little retail therapy. You know….that orgasmic release women get when they enter the doors of retail establishments to do some major damage to their often over-extended credit cards. Ironically, I never feel release…..only sadness.

Of course, I live in the south so that is my main frame of reference, but I can’t go shopping without some white woman clutching her purse or if she’s walked away from her shopping cart and looks up to see me coming (never mind the numerous white women who’ve passed her before I got there) she scurries like a rat to claim the purse she left there. I won’t even get into the car door locks clicking as I pass by.

It’s debilitating, because I make a wonderful living and I have given her no reason to panic….it’s racism….pure and simple. Even when I have given a white woman the benefit of the doubt…assuring myself that the other 400 times were an anomaly….it happens again. As a defense mechanism (read: so that I won’t get my feelings hurt), I began to avoid any shopping carts with unattended handbags. I would go over three aisles if necessary, because each time a purse was jerked away on my behalf, my heart sank a little lower into my stomach. Eventually, I had to make the decision to not allow them to change who I was just to make them feel comfortable.   Once, I asked a white friend what her thoughts were about this. She said that it was probably because I am tall (5’10”) and full figured and some people sees that as threatening. Huh?

I wish that I could say that it didn’t matter, I wish that I could be strong enough to not let their perception of me ruin what is supposed to be a rollicking good time. I wish that people could see me as ME, a hardworking professional woman who loves to travel, tend her garden, discuss politics and create beautiful stained glass panels…..and not lump all black people up in a negative 5, 6, 11 o’clock news ‘ass’umption of an entire race. If a white criminal is splashed on the news 24/7 (which is rare where I live unless it’s a serial killer) should I assume all white people are like that? Or do we ‘judge’ people according to their own behaviors and deeds? Is it so difficult to get to know someone before judging and sentencing them?

Regrettably, I do not think this will change anytime soon. The media’s portrayal of the black race has always been primarily a negative one and I suppose the result of such press is what I experience every time I venture to shop. Until something changes, I guess I will spend the majority of my time shopping online. But when I do decide to shop among the masses, watch out racists, I have just as much right to exist as you do and I’m not going ANYWHERE!